---kjaer / 2006 June 15

4 September 2000

Here I am, once again behind the keyboard of my Banana Jr. (or for those who will miss the reference to Breathed's cartoons, Napoleon, the wondrously hyggelig ... )

Oh, bosh. I intended to do this in as honest a fashion as I could muster, and there I've already ruined the introduction!

It seems more and more often that I am powerless to resist the inscrutable exhortations of my soul, and worse, that I have only the slightest inkling of how to direct or focus those exhortations into something worthwhile.

I have a problem---I don't really know what to say. I know I have a lot I should say, but it's coming at me in fits and starts and unorganizable whodges of gore. This is actually indicative of a less fundamental problem I have, which is that I often feel I could produce some sort of creative work if I could just work out what I thought I wanted to say.

I don't even know how I feel. I feel good, I feel bad. It's all the same. I do feel, however, so all is not lost. Maybe it's possible to be too comfortable with one's situation. I certainly haven't been motivated to do much in the last several years. Leaving school probably was bad for that, and working at Amazon.com for that one year probably just squashed whatever will I had left after that.

Finding some measure of success at such a young age has undoubtedly also left its stain.

It seems like a good idea to start writing in a journal again, on a weekly (or better, daily) basis, as a way to try to identify some of the trends in my life (Douglas Coupland's phrasing). Maybe the reason I stopped doing it even as infrequently as I had is because I was afraid that I didn't really have anything to say, but that I might write several pages about it anyway. I work with a guy like that at Boeing, and while he's a nice guy, a lot of times I find myself just wishing he'd go away.

Robert read me some of the journals he kept in junior high school, and hearing about even the trivial bits of daily junior high school life was actually pretty interesting. It made me remember some things I had forgotten about my own daily junior high school life, and Robert found it a worthwhile exercise to apply the wisdom of hindsight and years past to make relevant lessons out of some of the events he'd had the foresight (or whatever it was which motivated him at the time) to record.

I've been reading some of my own past journal entries, sporadic though they are, and I've noticed that I only wrote when I thought I had something "important" to divulge. This has leant my entries a certain toffee-nosed tone which I find immensely embarrassing now. It was the primary motivation for my deciding ultimately to close the last notebook (purple spiral) halfway through and not write in it anymore. I do notice that even that didn't stop me from puting one last entry in it some time later. (: It was interesting to find that, as I honestly hadn't remembered writing it.

Even now, I remember a fair bit about the circumstances around which I wrote those old entries, but I have to wonder how much more complete the understanding would be, and how much better they would serve as lessons now, had I been less concerned about writing something "important".

I seem to be having trouble with the letter 'g' tonight. I just had to go back and insert five or six of the pesky buggers into the text I'd already written. I wonder if there's some subconscious meaning to be found in this finger trouble? *giggle*

Maybe it's an aversion to intimacy manifesting itself as a reflexive avoidance of fully depressing a key which is in the home row, but not one of the home keys.

How silly could I get with this? Under different circumstances, provably pretty damned silly. Right now, it took too much effort to just manage that much.

Maybe it's typo cooties.

It's probably the ridiculous angle I'm perched at while I'm writing this, but just saying that straight away wouldn't have been much fun, now, would it have?

I haven't sat in front of this machine for too long. It still has the unexpectedly good charm that made it such a nice machine when I first got it. More importantly, there are some MODs on here which I hadn't remembered keeping. I should try to see if I managed to save that tracker and put it back on this machine. I'm anxious to listen to them again.

I've spent another weekend without leaving the house, except twice, to walk down the street to the grocery. How sad is that? Worse, this was Labor Day weekend: three days.

At least I have work to make sure I don't do what I did in February, when Amazon laid me off and I went a full two weeks without leaving the house once. Yeesh. That sounds SO unhealthy now, but at the time I hardly gave it a thought. It was an embarrassing realisation to come to. I forced myself to walk to the library the next day and get a library card.

Robert's just come home from spending the weekend at his parents' place. He spends just about every weekend there, like I did when I was a freshman at UW. I wonder if it's more due to his only just recently having moved out on his own and time will get him spending more weekends on this side, or if he'll keep doing it even after several years. I think he probably has an easier time keepin himself entertained at his folks' place than I do at mine. I go home, and am ok for a few hours, but much longer than that I run out of ideas as to how to occupy my time.

Not that I don't have the same problem here in my own house. -cough-. Somehow it's less irritating here? Maybe. I guess I'm not convinced.

Like laundry. I had all weekend to do it, and when do I start? At 9 PM the day before I have to go back to work. It's not like it's hard. And even now I'm considering the best order to do the loads in so I have what I need and can continue to put off the rest. I have a few pairs of socks, lots of shirts, and one pair of clean underwear, so I did a load of pants, of which I had none clean. That reminds me, I have to go put them in the dryer or I won't even have THAT tomorrow.

I didn't shower yesterday, and wouldn't have today, either, except I had nothing else I wanted to do and so spending an hour in the shower sounded like a decent way to waste some time.

Oh, how's this? I spent two and a half years living at Ron's and not using the hot tub. Now that I've moved out I've found myself wanting to have one to sit in too many times to count in the last three weeks. Pfah!

Oops, it's time to take my second sulfameth of the day. Urinary tract infection (surprise surprise, -sigh-). I'll go do that and put the laundry in the dryer. It's only sat in the washer for, what, three hours now? While I've done.. nearly.. nothing? Hmph.

Even though I've spent most of the weekend in bed, it's time to return there once more, and prepare to be at work at a reasonable hour in the morning. (Yes, the morning.)

ok
bye